J O U R N A LJ O U R N A L
before proceeding please read this disclaimer
wow i have not been here in a while. in this time gap so much has happened, yet i am still the same. very recently, as in the last few days, i have realised lots of things and i am not sure what i am supposed to do with this information. i think the least i can do is share the information, which i might later do on another page here.
i have removed a few things here, because i feel as though they were too personal, and my goal here is to try and not reveal my identity. anyways, i was thinking about how odd it is that when your time at a school concludes you will most likely never speak to classmates again. for most the next time you will hear of these vague entities is after they have taken their life, or overdosed, or lost everything. it's quite amusing really. i truly hope that in the next few years that people, a few in particular come to mind, really get what they deserve. though i am somewhat disappointed that now my time to act has expired, all hope is not lost.
i feel oddly distanced from this world. im aware that i am not where i should be, but this feeling is more overwhelming than usual today.
i would do anything and everything to get the chance to tear them apart. how dare they treat me the way that they did, what made them think they had the right, the authority, to treat their superior as such? i enjoy thinking about blowing their heads off, however if i were to do it, it'd be a lot more cruel and slower than a simple shot, thats not enough. i want to watch them suffer, to beg for their lives, to scream for my mercy. they would all have different methods, and they'd be done individually, so that [redacted] could be last. i want him to fear me, to realise he fucked up. i want to watch him beg, suffer, scream, bleed, and ultimately die. i want him to scream my name. i want to shame him.
i have had a sudden urge to leave the few people i am close to. there are only three people i've regularly communicated with in the last few months, and i had always felt like i had finally met people, who weren't fat or ugly or stupid or annoying or inferior but now i'm not so certain. i think i'm moreso questioning how deeply i trust them. i think i could just be me by myself for a while, but i'm not sure how that'll go. i think i need to accept i'm never going to find people that perfectly match my standards, or people on the same level as me. i could have anybody i want - as a friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc. but i just can't seem to find people whose presence i enjoy. i guess it's just a part of what comes with being superior - nothing compares. so what comes now? do i accept my condemnation to eternal loneliess, longing for someone with whom i can relate? or persist in my search? hm.
